After principal, Tonya King, denied junior Jim Stack’s request he was disappointed and then went to the school board to ask if he could grow his hair longer. The meeting will be on Monday at 7 p.m.
“I was disappointed when Mrs. King turned my request down,” Stack said.
He saw how happy his sister was when she got her first wig and wanted other people to feel the same.
“Donation my hair to Locks of Love is a very special project to me,” Stack said.
Stack went to his principal first and was discouraged when she rejected his request .
“Had I approved Jim’s request, then I would have students everyday asking is they also could break the dress code” King said.
Principal King is willing to help with fundraisers if Stack does one.
“There are other ways Jim could help the Locks of Love group,” King said.“He could have a fundraiser and donate the money to the organization.”
His mom is proud of him.
“I don’t know many teenagers today would put so much time and effort into helping someone else” Stack’s mother said.
Every month Locks of Love receives around 200 request from families that cannot afford a wig for their sick child, and every month they have to turn down about 150 pf those request.
“I was moved by Jim’s passion to donate his hair” Gisel Roco, president of Locks of Love said.
Your story was good but here are a few things I saw.
1. Your lead is wordy. You could use some of that information in your story.
2. Paragraph 2 and 5 are repeats. Don’t do that.
3. Paragraph 8, 9, and 10 need to work better together. Fix the transition in paragraph 9 and it will help you out.
Some good things I saw were
1.You did good in setting up your quotes, making sure that said came after the name instead of before.
2. I thought you had good quotes in a good order.
3. You have good transitions just not in a good order.
After all, you did good for your first time (:
After principal, Tonya King, denied junior Jim Stack’s request he was disappointed and then went to the school board to ask if he could grow his hair longer. The meeting will be on Monday at 7 p.m. YOU DO NOT NEED THE COMMAS AROUND TONYA KING. “HE WAS DISAPPOINTED” NEEDS TO BE OMITTED. IT IS AN OPINION. YOU COULD SAY HE APPEALED HIS REQUEST TO THE SCHOOL BOARD OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
“I was disappointed when Mrs. King turned my request down,” Stack said.
He saw how happy his sister was when she got her first wig and wanted other people to feel the same.
THIS IS AN OPINION. YOU MIGHT PUT THE DRESS CODE HERE.
“Donation my hair to Locks of Love is a very special project to me,” Stack said.
Stack went to his principal first and was discouraged when she rejected his request .
THIS IS AN OPINION
“Had I approved Jim’s request, then I would have students everyday asking is they also could break the dress code” King said.
Principal King is willing to help with fundraisers if Stack does one. NEED MORE HERE.
“There are other ways Jim could help the Locks of Love group,” King said.“He could have a fundraiser and donate the money to the organization.”
His mom is proud of him. THIS IS AN OPINION.
“I don’t know many teenagers today would put so much time and effort into helping someone else” Stack’s mother said.
Every month Locks of Love receives around 200 request from families that cannot afford a wig for their sick child, and every month they have to turn down about 150 pf those request. THIS NEEDS TO GO HIGHER UP IN YOUR STORY AND IS YOUR ONLY CORRECT TRANSITION SO FAR.
“I was moved by Jim’s passion to donate his hair” Gisel Roco, president of Locks of Love said.
YOU DID A GOOD JOB ON YOUR QUOTES, BUT HAVE VERY LITTLE OF THE FACTS IN YOUR STORY.